Bush's Hilariously Inept Press Conference and a Unique Take on The No Child Left Behind Act

OK, Bush’s “press conference yesterday was quite possibly one of the funniest things on TV in the last 10 years. The only problem, it was the leader of the free world talking.
I took notes while he spoke so let’s see what we learned by listening to the densest shrub in history:
The violence in Iraq is casued by 3 groups.
1) Hussein sympathizers. Yeah sure. 2)Islamic militants in Fallujah and Terrorists from other countries. 3) The riots in the south are being incited by al-sadr and his “illegal militia.” He wants to “destroy democratic hopes” and is trying for a “power grab.” The other major cleric “supports us” yet no one from his organization will talk to any American representative.
What it isn’t is a civil war or popular uprising which means that’s exactly what it is.
Most iraqis “oppose dictatorship.” Controversial statement there.
“they want freedom and independence” No shit
“Iraq will be peaceful or it will be a place of violence”
Transfer of sovereignty June 30 and we’re going to hold that date because “We’re not an imperial power” we’re a “liberating power.”
Shrub called the mercenaries “Contract workers”
We’re going to “prevent harm to innocent civilians” even though we will use “decisive force” to maintain order.
He keeps saying coalition forces even though it’s pretty much just US and Britain and mercenaries. He mentions the American embassy that will be opened but he doesn’t mention of how big it is. (It will be the largest embassy in the world.)
He also laid out a timetable for Iraq democracy. Elections for national assembly next january. By dec 15, 2005 iraq will be a democracy. It’s just that simple.
Then he said that Rumsfeld the secretary of state. Nope sorry dumbass.
He looks up for maybe one word per sentence, he’s reading off of a paper with little understanding of what he’s saying. He can barely read the goddamn paper.
Now is the time and Iraq is the place where the Islamic terrorists are fighting “the civilized world” Like in Beirut???? Beirut didn’t have Islamic terrorists.
911 911 911
The terrorists lost an ally in Iraq. LIE LIE LIE LIE The terrorists hated Hussein and he hated them.
So while we’re definitely leaving, we’re not leaving until we’ve won, which will be by June 30th no matter what.
That was just the speech part. Then he started to answer the reporter’s questions and things got really funny.
Vietnam question> He says the Vietnam comparison is false. That’s it. It sends the “wrong message” to the troops.
Freedom is hard to achieve we have “a hard time in our own country achieving freedom” what does that mean? Freedom is easy, it’s opressing people while saying they’re free that’s hard.
He doesn’t make decisions based on polls i.e. the will of the people.
The theme of the entire question and answer period was “we’re changing the world”
He informs us that the generals talk “all the time” Well that’s a relief.
We’re not going anywhere. “They need us there.”
Once we transfer sovereignty we’ll enter a “security agreement.” This is, of course, non-negotiable.
Criticizing iraqi security run by iraqis
Saddam was a threat. Why? He coddled terrorists????
He was threat to region and us
To UN: Either you take care of him we will
We needed to work with people by alienating them
Talking about Iraq and the UN he said Saddam had to “Disarm or face consequences” except he didn’t have anything to disarm so what exactly the hell was he supposed to do?
Then came my second favorite thing Shrub said in the whole speech.
Talking about Iraq he said, “they’re hiding things. If you hide things you are afraid of getting caught because you did something wrong.” This is coming from the most secretive white house in history. According to the man’s own logic Cheney is hiding the Energy policy meeting minutes because he did something wrong.
The Iraqis are pleased we got rid of Saddam BUT they have a fear of making decisions towards liberty.
Then he said the best thing of the whole press conference.
“I wouldn’t be happy if I were occupied either.”
He refused to answer the question if he felt in any way personally responsible about 911.
Our foreign policy was described thusly, “Go on offense and stay on offense to secure the country.”
He CANNOT say he fucked up, on anything. Rove and Condi are looking at Bush like he’s a stupid dumb puppy. On several occasions he’s just babbling for literally minutes on end.
Reporter asks about whether we deserve an apology and will you give them one?
NOPE. He’s sick when he thinks about the death. But he’s not sorry. The person responsible was Osama. He’s not. He keeps calling on John, 3 questions so far.
Then I found out something I didn’t know. In terms of troop numbers we have the most, Britain is second and third? Mercenaries. That’s right, the third largest contributor to troop strength are hired guns who are being paid @ $100,000 a year.
“They (terrorists)want us to leave. We’re not going to leave.”
He calls everyone who criticizes his policies racists by saying that some people don’t think “brown people” are capable of maintaining a democracy. Yes, he actually said “brown people.”
He won’t say why he needs Cheney with him for 9-11 commission. He gets really flustered and pissed off at the reporter who has the nerve to ask.
There’s an eruption and he asks some guy that gives him a meatball question that he then stutters through. You can tell he’s thrown by the Cheney question and he descends into mumbling and babbling again.
Probably going to be his last question
Will it be worth it if you lose your job?
“I don’t plan on losing my job.” I bet you don’t you cheating fuck. But he never says if it’d be worth it or not. He’s looking forward to the campaign. Yeah I bet.
He’s mad that he didn’t have time to plan for the question about what the biggest mistake of his life was. He doesn’t know. He liked Afghanistan. He still would invade iraq even if there’s not weapons. But then he backs up and says that we’re still going to find the weapons. He admits not a single mistake. NOTHING. What a total dick.
Then he’s confident he’s made mistakes-- but he can’t think of a single one. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. He can’t think of one. The worst administration in US history and he can’t even think of a single mistake he’s made. That’s how self-aware this guy is, he can’t think of a single mistake.
But whatever mistakes he made he says he learned from them.
Can you win the war on terror?
Of course. Number of times a large wountry has won a guerilla war in the modern era: ZERO.
Freedom is the Almighty’s gift to the world.
The almighty the Muslim’s believe in? That almighty? Or what about the Buddhist almighty. Which one?
“I need to learn to communicate better. I will say it as best as I possibly can.”
If he says something, he means it. That’s the end.
What a joke. Anyone who votes for this guy must’ve undergone some kind of lobotomy. But funny, man is he funny.

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND- The Football Version

1 All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable.
2 All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions will be made for interest in football, a desire to perform athletically or genetic abilities or disabilities…
3 Talented players will be asked to work out on their own, without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren’t interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don’t like football.
4 Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in fourth, eighth, and 11th grades.
5 This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent, and all teams will reach the same minimal goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.